Archive - James’s Substack

Paul Reubens Did Nothing Wrong

You read that right.

Jun 5 •

James Schlarmann

May 2025

I'm Never Getting Rid of My Videos of Mike Lee's Mom, Even If They Ban Porn

The Constitution needs defending on all fronts.

May 15 •

James Schlarmann

Do JK Rowling and Matt Walsh Have More In Common Besides an Obsession With Kid Dicks?

Just where do the dovetailing interests of a billionaire author and a millionaire Jesus Nazi stop dovetailing, exactly?

May 8 •

James Schlarmann

A Nice Man in a Cybertruck with a Trump Flag Wearing a MAGA Hat Diagnosed My Derangement

Then he tried to show me grainy pictures of Michelle Obama's crotch for some reason.

May 6 •

James Schlarmann

Eric Trump: Americans Shouldn't Worry About Tariffs and 'Work Super Hard' Like His Family

The president's third-smartest and loved son has some advice for struggling Americans.

May 2 •

James Schlarmann

April 2025

Vatican Informs Lindsey Graham the Antichrist Cannot Be Pope

"Nice try though, ma'am."

Apr 30 •

James Schlarmann

My Jokes Get Fact-Checked More Than Trump's Executive Orders

Satire isn't dead...it just has a hard time keeping up with comical nature of reality.

Apr 29 •

James Schlarmann

America's Incels Want You To Shit Out More Kids, LADIES

It must be hard to keep your vagine in your pants with all these sexy men talking about it.

Apr 22 •

James Schlarmann

Who Do ICE Agents Root For When They Watch "Raiders of the Lost Ark?"

If all cops are bastards, and they are, what does that make ICE agents?

Apr 16 •

James Schlarmann

Bill Maher Doesn't Know What You Call People Who Dine With Nazis

The World's Favorite Boomer Sugar Daddy finds another, new, way to debase himself.

Apr 13 •

James Schlarmann

I'm Used to the Dodgers Breaking My Heart, Not So Much Betraying American Democracy

I'm just glad Vin Scully died before I saw him chumming it up with Donald.

Apr 10 •

James Schlarmann

God Told Me He Thinks Morgan Wallace's Music Sucks

"In my country, we like music, not derivative, white nationalist dog whistles."

Apr 8 •

James Schlarmann

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