Vatican Informs Lindsey Graham the Antichrist Cannot Be Pope
"Nice try though, ma'am."
“While we are sure that Mr. Trump has much in common with our priests, such as a love of the younger flesh, it just doesn’t make much sense, on paper…”
In a kind but forceful letter from the conclave currently trying to select a new Pope, the Vatican has rebuffed a sitting U.S. Senator’s attempt to influence their decision.
After he suggested they should make President Donald Trump the next high pontiff of the Catholic church, the Vatican sent a letter to Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC). They have strict rules forbidding someone like Trump from being pope, the Vatican informed Graham.
“Senator Graham, while we appreciate your suggestion, and take it with the all the respect it truly deserves, we must politely inform you that we cannot and will not select the literal Antichrist as our next pope,” the Vatican attempted to let Graham down easy. “While we are sure that Mr. Trump has much in common with our priests, such as a love of the younger flesh, it just doesn’t make much sense, on paper, to make a man who is quite literally the antitheses if Christianity our next Pope. Nice try though, ma’am.”
Reportedly, the Vatican’s rejection was not taken lightly or easily by Senator Graham, who once said electing Trump would eventually destroy the Republican Party. Sources say he is livid and considering asking the president to invade the Vatican, and seize the means of producing the next Pope.
“Well, Martha, I’ll tell you this much,” Graham said through tears on Fox News this morning, “I have never been so insulted except by Donald Trump when I was running against him, before he and I came to an agreement on taint polishing. It’s just beyond rude and insulting to call our president the Antichrist when we all know he doesn’t even know who Jesus is!”
That response sparked a question from the blonde automaton Fox News host about whether someone who doesn’t know who Jesus Christ is would be qualified to lead a church devoted to his teachings. To this question, Graham let out another burst of angry crying.
“He would be the BEST person for the job! Don’t you see? Just like him having no idea how to be president because he doesn’t know what the Constitution does or is, and that makes him the best president of all time,” Graham explained, “the same applies to him, the Bible, and Christianity. Who better to lead a Christian church than someone not bound by a Christian religion?”
In an effort to step-in and attempt a compromise, Jesus Hubert Christ sent an email to the South Carolina Republican. In it, he offered to give Trump a job in Heaven, the afterlife timeshare he runs with his father, Larry “God” Schumway.
“Linds, I don’t know about the Vatican, but how about I give Donny a job…up here? We could always use more people to help with the cows our Hindu friends bring up with with them,” Jesus wrote to Graham. “And with his lifelong experience in bullshit, ol’ Sausage Fingers will fit right in on the ranch. Let me know if you want me to call him in for an interview; I know there are billions of people down there that wake up every day disappointed that I haven’t yet.”
Senator Graham’s office told us once he’s stopped crying, he intends to have Trump arrest Jesus for high insults and treason.